What would happen to ME?

In the last post, you may remember ROB was told by our therapist that she even felt that he was an alcoholic and wanted him to take a test to show her he wasn’t.  Rob stormed out of that session and vowed to me that he would never return. I thought, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

Well, like this post, I was not sure where to go next, I was not sure where to go with my life, emotions and most importantly my heart.  I still loved this man, or at least the man I thought he could still be, but could he really still be in there?  Was I enough to make him want to return to the person I met and fell in love with 3 years ago, did he even still want to be in this marriage…more importantly, did I want to still be in this marriage. Again, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

It was one of the week nights I knew ROB had to work late, but more importantly wasn’t even sure he would come home at all after what happened.  So I knew I had some time to think.  Think LONG and HARD about what I needed to do for me, where had this marriage gone wrong, could I help to fix it and more importantly, did I want to fix it.

So time for me to stroll down memory lane and take a good hard look at things and that is exactly what I did for the next 4 hours of my life.  I turned off all the phones & TV’s, locked the doors and sat with my thoughts a notebook and started writing down what had happened to me.  The memories started to flow back, the first was our wedding night and how ROB was so excited to open the cards and see how much money was in the cards.  That should have been a clue to me about the importance that money was going to play in our marriage.  Then on our honeymoon, we went to a cabin and ended up spending the whole honeymoon sleeping in separate beds..uhmmmm HELLO!!! That one should have left a big old black eye and also the amount a drinking that went on.  CRAZY.

Here is where the story gets out of control, I remembered being out on our boat one evening and we went to a bar on the river called MUDDY WATERS.  I thought this was going to be great an evening out for dinner and time alone (by this I mean no friends around) and we can just talk with each other and reconnect and get things back on track.  Little to my surprise did I know that I was the only one with that thought in my head.  As we were sitting there talking waiting for our dinner to come, ROB went up to the bar to get us more drinks, how thoughtful right?  I thought so also, until the bartender came over and started talking with me. No surprise there, but what took me off guard is when he told me that MY BROTHER; a.k.a. my HUSBAND, told him that I was his sister in town visiting and going through a horrible divorce and thought he & I would hit it off.  I think my jaw hit the table and then the floor leaving a dent the size of China in the floor.  I remember sitting there looking at ROB not know what to say.  I finally looked at the bartender and told him thank you but that I was not interested.  As he walked away, ROB started laughing.  Funny…wow, if he had only know he was predicting  the future of me going through a horrible divorce, only it was from him.  I thought to myself, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

Then the next instance came flooding into my brain and this one brought tears to my eyes.  We were once again out on the river and one of ROBs friends was down with us.  We met up with a large group of friends and some of their friends.  I remember this one lady, I will call her Regina to keep all parties safe.  I met her and right away I remember thinking to myself, this lady is trouble.  But she was with her husband and kids so I thought I would be nice, keep my thoughts to myself and give her a chance.  Later that late afternoon almost evening, ROB and I were sitting on our boat talking and I said to him that I thought Regina was a trouble maker and  that he should keep is eyes open.  He laughed at me and said how cute I was when I was jealous.  JEALOUS??? Jealous of what?  I didn’t know this women.  Whatever, I thought.  Well, the evening continued and I was not away that ROB & his buddy had made a bet to see which one could out drink the other….HELLO ANOTHER BIG OLD SIGN!!!  I was tired and said that I wanted to go in and clean up the boat and go to bed.  ROB told me that he would be in later and that he was going to sit up with his buddy and catch up.  Off to the boat I went and was ready for some peace and quiet.  After I got on the boat, got it cleaned up, I forgot to tell ROB that I was going to pull the ladder up so no one else would come aboard.  What a surprise I got when I went out to talk with him.  I went to the front of the boat and looked up to where everyone was gathered around the bonfire. I remember I had to rub my eyes a couple of times.  Was that really happening, maybe I was already asleep.  I stood there for what felt like a lifetime, but am sure it was less than a minute.   I stood there watching as this women Regina sat in her beach chair with her hand up ROBs shorts fondling him…I almost died.  I lowered that ladder flew off that boat, walked up to both of them, took her drink poured it over her and told her is she EVER came around me or my husband again, we were going to have an issue.  At this time I grabbed ROB by the arm and drug him over to the boat where I told him he best get his ass on that boat and shut up.  Once we were both on the boat, ROB informed me that this was going on many nights, nothing new for him to do this and that he was not staying on that boat.  He also informed me that I had no control over him or what he did.  That’s when he stood up said he was going back down to continue partying with his friends.  I wanted to kill him right then and there.  Who was he to talk to me that way and so blatantly?  I told myself that it was the alcohol and  that he would be sorry in the morning.  I went into the cabin, locked all the doors and windows and went to sleep.  After many hours of tears, the sun finally came up and so was I.  I got off that boat loaded up all our stuff, threw Regina’s shit in the river and told ROB and his buddy I was taking the boat and leaving if the wanted to come they better get onboard NOW and shut the hell up.  Little to my surprise, they both scurried up that ladder and off we went.  ROBs buddy came up with his overnight bag and told us to stop at the local dock as he thought we needed to be alone to talk.  Are you kidding me, you would leave me alone with him and all this water?  Would anyone ever find the body?  Again, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

It was the longest ride back to our dock and even longer back to our home.  ROB slept in the spare room or the couch that night, I am not really sure, nor did I care.  The week went on and neither one of us said anything to each other.  What ROB didn’t know was what I had done.

Check in soon see what I had done and see where this marriage was heading.

 

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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He really wants to go back?

What a journey it’s been so far…the courtship, the whooing, the wedding, the gambling, drinking, womanizing, lies and so much more…and HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK?

Go Back; how do we go back after all this hurt?  Could counseling really help our situation? Would ROB really be honest to the counselor? Would ROB really listen to what I was saying and accept & understand my feelings?  One will only know by showing up and going to the appointments.  So that’s exactly what I did.  Chin held high and at stern backbone, I walked into that waiting room and decided to make this the FIRST day of my new marriage & happy life.

When ROB walked through the door, I thought thank goodness, 1/2 the battle is over, he did show up.  He seemed to be in good spirits although with the wrenching of his hands, I knew he was nervous.  Why would he be so nervous?  Did he finally realize that he would have to open up about everything and tell the truth?  Did he even know what the truth was anymore? Was he just going to lie about everything again today and say he did what I asked so that was that?  I guess I would find out in the next 5 minutes.

Sitting in that waiting room, neither one of us said anything to each other.  I hope this wasn’t any indication as to how the meeting was going to go.  I looked up and there she was, our counselor.  ROB said he wanted to see a women so I made sure that we did that to make it easier on him.  Yep, you heard me right, make it easier on HIM…why, I have no idea.  She brought us back to her office and we all took our seats.  The conversation started out very light and then like a flu coming on in full strength, everything just started pouring out of my mouth!  I couldn’t help it nor could I stop it!  All the lies, hurtful things said, gambling, drinking and more was put in front of us and her.  I remember looking at ROB with tears streaming down my face and then when I finally stopped our counselor handed me a tissue and asked ROB what he had to say about what I just said.  He said he had no idea…NO IDEA?  Who the hell are you kidding?  I have yelled at you, written you notes, given you the silent treatment, had my parents talk with us and you have NO IDEA???   I just looked at the counselor.  She kept a very unbiased look on her face, but I could see the pain in her eyes and that’s when things changed.  She asked me about my upbringing and I told her my parents were happily married; oh yes, they had their issues but always worked through them, I have one sister that got married when she was 20 and was still very happily married with 3 lovely children, I had a great up bringing and am VERY close to my family.  We  talked about the health issues and the strain it put on our marriage that first year.  She told me that I can’t feel guilty for that as it was out of my control and that I should expect nothing but the full support of my husband during those tough times.

That’s when she looked at ROB; you could see the fear in his eyes.  He did not want to go any further.  The counselor explained to him that we had to go all the way back in order to move forward…it made me question, did HE REALLY WANT TO GO BACK?  ROB started to talk; telling about his parents; their turmoil relationship, the drinking and being taken to bars while they got drunk, the domestic abuse his mom endured, his sisters issues with drugs, alcohol, her having a child at 19, how he moved out at 16 didn’t graduate high school and never got his GED is insecurities being around people who had them and how he never felt he measured up, the failure of his first marriage, the walking out on his son and not being apart of his life for the first 5 or so years.  Even though I had heard most of this it still shocked me that one person had gone through so much.  For some reason when I listened to ROB talked, I saw & heard the hurt that almost 40 years had over ROB, but I also had a VERY unsettling voice YELLING at me from my gut!!  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING AND HOW DO “YOU” THINK YOU CAN FIX THIS?  I thought I was going to throw up.  How could we ever get past all of this and how much more was I going to have to endure in order to get to those happy times?  Again, that thought…HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK?

I am not sure why or where my need to feel like I have to fix EVERYTHING has some come from.  I was raised in a very supportive family; and when I say family I don’t just mean my immediate family, but my extended also and let’s just say that they are not only supportive but VERY protective.  They would do anything for any of us if we just asked for it.  Why can’t I ask for help when I need it?  To this day, I am a very proud woman who has the most difficult time asking for any sort of help.

Back to the story, HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK? Back to what? Does he even know how to live with out the lies, deceit, gambling & drinking?  Does he know how to live happily without having to be drunk all the time to get that happiness? Does he realize people like him for him; not for the person he thinks they all want him to be?  Can he live in a real world where he may not be the richest, funniest or big man on campus all the time?  Then it hit me…CAN I LIVE WITH A MAN WITH THIS MANY DISFUNCTIONS?

It is amazing what can all come out in just one hour and how you can view things differently when you are listening to someone and hearing them tell someone who knows how to ask the correct questions.  Our session ended.  I was surprised when the counselor asked us to make another session in a couple of weeks and if we would do some homework before our next session and ROB said YES.  I think I almost gave myself whiplash when I did the double take at his words.

On our way out, ROB asked if I would go have lunch with him and talk about what happened in that last hour.  I got the biggest wave of warmth over my whole body and I wanted to cry!  Did it happen? Did ROB finally see what was going on and truly want to make a new beginning and a new beginning with me?  Of course I wanted to go to lunch and talk about this.  This was going to be our course to betterness & change.  Have a session and then talk about it, how we were going to work together to become stronger and work TOGETHER to make this marriage not only the best ever but one that was so strong nothing would EVER come between us again.

When we got to the restaurant, we talked about everything.  ROB loved the counselor and felt very comfortable with her.  He actually said he was excited to go back to our next session.  I didn’t think anything could have wiped that smile of my face that I was so proudly shinning from my face.  After about another hour of rehashing over what was said, asking questions of each other and feeling like we could move the world, we both agreed we had to get back to work.  We walked out and ROB gave me the biggest and longest hug, looked me in the eyes and told me how much he loved me.  YES!!! THIS was the man I married and cared about.

I remember THAT DAY; all the happiness, genuine heart-felt feeling & passion it brought and have to wonder, CAN HE REALLY GO BACK AND CHANGE OR IS HE JUST BUYING MORE TIME?  More time for what though?

Would this happiness, honesty and communication last forever, until the next session or just for that day?  Only time would tell.  Would we or could we even make it to the next session?

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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A day to remember…

If you remember, the last we spoke, ROB and I had just gotten engaged.  It was November 2002 and we set the wedding date for July 26, 2003, lots to do with little time.  Since ROB had been married once before, he wanted me to have the wedding on my dreams and pretty much let me make the plans.  I started, photographer…check; cake…check; dress…check; menu…check and so one.  Then it came time to the reception spot.  Right across from the church we were going to be married at was a Holiday Inn.  How perfect, easy to commute to, people can stay and from what I had heard, they did a really nice job with weddings.  So one night, ROB and I went over.  We walked the hotel, had dinner, sat in the bar and even sat out on one of the balconies and just watched the people strolling by and talking.  His comment was, “I THINK THIS IS IT! IT LOOKS & FEELS LIKE US AND THERE’S A COUPLE BARS CLOSE BY!”  Right there should have been a huge clue!  Did I take the warning? NOPE, I just thought it was a comment in passing.  So we booked it! My parents were paying for the wedding so that SURELY didn’t bother ROB one bit…as a matter of fact, he never even asked how much it was going to cost.

The big day came.  It was 95 in Minnesota, the church didn’t have air and I had on a long sleeve dress with a full train.   I thought I was going to die!  But it was great.  I remember my dad being a little jittery, but hey, I’m his baby girl and from what I have heard, that’s just how dad’s act when this big day comes.  We went on to the reception and all was fine.  We danced, Rob drank, we toasted, Rob drank, we had the dollar dance, ROB drank.  I think you see the theme here.  The end of the night finally came and we went up to our suite.  The bridesmaids had sent up food & champagne so that we could relax.  I just remember wanting to take a shower and get out of that dress.  All ROB could think about was opening those damn cards to see how much money was in them.  Fine, let’s do this so I can get in the shower.

Four months into our marriage, Thanksgiving was coming.  I told both families that I wanted to host since this was our first holiday together.  I loved to entertain and put my skills to work.  Two days before the big day, I had all the fixings ready to go.  Since I had started a job where I was an independent contractor, I was able to work from home and make sure that everything was perfect.  I set the table, cleaned the home and made sure everything was perfect.  Not once did ROB acknowledge all the prework I had already done.  The night before Thanksgiving, ROB called me and said that he was going to stop at the bar on his way home.  It wasn’t going to be late as he was only going to have one and then be on his way home.  I was shocked when he asked if there was anything he needed from the grocery store on his way home.  I told him as a matter of fact there was about 4 things but I needed to know for sure that he would get them.  He promised me, told me he loved and I would see him soon.

It was 11 o’clock when I finally went to bed and ROB had still not come home.  Since I had to be up at 5 am to get the turkey going, I thought it in my best interest to get some sleep.  At 1:15am my phone rang.  Groggy as I was, I answered the phone and almost go sick to my stomach thinking something had happened to ROB! Oh yeah, something had happened all right, he had gotten completely wasted and the bouncers had told him that if they saw him leave the bar & drive, they would call the police.  ROB’s sister thought it in ROB’s best interest to call me to come and get him.  I told her to put him in a cab, I would wait for him to come home and pay the cab driver when they arrived.  She said that he was very agitated and I better come now to get him.  I had a 20 minute drive to get there.  I crawled out of bed, still in my jammies, I put on my coat, got into my Mercedes he had gotten me and off I went.  It was a cold snowy night, but I dredged forward.  When I got to the bar, I pulled up front called ROB’s phone and told him I was out front and he had 2 minutes to get in the car.  To my surprise, ROB hung up on me….OH REALLY, I thought!!!!!  With smoke coming out of my ears, I stormed into that bar; walked right up to ROB and told him to get his ass in the car immediately.  His jaw fell on the floor and he told me to get the fuck out of the bar.

I went out to the car and ROB followed behind me.  Once we got onto the freeway, ROB started in…who the hell did I think I was to embarrass him like that in HIS bar?  I was the biggest bitch he had ever met and what a cunt I had turned out to be. He had had it.  We were going to do this Thanksgiving thing and the very next day, he was going to contact and attorney and divorce my ass.

I drove in shock the rest of the way home with tears streaming down my face.  How could this have happened to me?  All I had ever done was love this man and put up with some of his other faults…how could he say this to me?  I remember sitting up the rest of that night; crying and trying to figure out what to do.  Oh I figured it out.  I was going to go forward with this Thanksgiving dinner, but I was the one that was going to make the toast and what a toast it would be.

See how that toast goes in the next entry of Moving onto Happiness…A Minnesota Girls Divorce Story!