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Well as you remember in the last post, ROB once again worked his magic of hurt on me.  But not only did he hurt me, he cut my heart into pieces and left it laying for all to dance on at the beach when he let some women fondle him at the campfire in front of our friends.  ROB and I did not speak to one another from that night on for about a week.  WHO DO I TRUST?? Most of my time day & night was spent with visions of that incident running through my head.  The image was so haunting that I didn’t want to close my eyes and the one thing I did learn about myself from that time, was I CAN NOT function without sleep.  I not only became disconnected from life, but I became disconnected with me.

In my career as a Real Estate agent, I had the ability to pick & choose not only whom I worked with, but when I actually worked.  Well, when you let on thing consume your every thought, minute and day…eventually it will consume your being.  I was not sure where to go, what to do, whom to talk to and more than not, WHOM TO TRUST with this most embarrassing & degrading thing.  I was also worried about that if I told someone about this beach instance, would they ask more, would I need to tell them more or would they just know that more happened and how pathetic would I look for not only staying in such a horrible situation, but let someone like this continue to treat me like this and not stand up for myself and make my life better by leaving?  WHO DO I TRUST?

It was time to get serious.  SERIOUS, what was that?  Nothing in my past 5 years had been serious; or at least that is how it felt to me now.  Part of me knew what I needed to do, part of me didn’t want to know what I needed to do and the majority of me didn’t know WHO DO I TRUST?

 At the time all of this most dreadful stuff was happening, I worked with someone who I trusted more than ever.  He would not only just let me vent; tell my story or be in my corner cheering me on no matter what, I knew that I could tell this person just about anything and they would never mention of it again.  That was what I needed most now.  Someone I could just let it all out to and see if they knew what I should do.  More than not, I needed a connection.  A connection that could give me some advice.  As I began to talk with this most precious friend, I could see the pain, disgust, amazement and most of all concern for me in their eyes.

As I walked out of that room from letting all of this out as to not only what had just happened, but more importantly what had happened over the past 5 years, I felt like someone lifted a 5000 lbs. brick off my chest.  Now I just needed to come up with the confidence I needed to talk with someone who could give me advice I could trust.  A LAWYER

Here we go…this is when the learning part of this blog really begins.  As this blog continues, you will learn about what happened to me in my experience in dealing with LAWYERS and things I wished someone would have told me to be more prepared, more able to protect myself and things I hope no one will ever have happen to them.

Check back soon to see where we go from here and WHO DO I TRUST?

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an out of control gambler, please contact GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/index.php to find out more information.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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In the last post, you may remember ROB was told by our therapist that she even felt that he was an alcoholic and wanted him to take a test to show her he wasn’t.  Rob stormed out of that session and vowed to me that he would never return. I thought, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

Well, like this post, I was not sure where to go next, I was not sure where to go with my life, emotions and most importantly my heart.  I still loved this man, or at least the man I thought he could still be, but could he really still be in there?  Was I enough to make him want to return to the person I met and fell in love with 3 years ago, did he even still want to be in this marriage…more importantly, did I want to still be in this marriage. Again, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

It was one of the week nights I knew ROB had to work late, but more importantly wasn’t even sure he would come home at all after what happened.  So I knew I had some time to think.  Think LONG and HARD about what I needed to do for me, where had this marriage gone wrong, could I help to fix it and more importantly, did I want to fix it.

So time for me to stroll down memory lane and take a good hard look at things and that is exactly what I did for the next 4 hours of my life.  I turned off all the phones & TV’s, locked the doors and sat with my thoughts a notebook and started writing down what had happened to me.  The memories started to flow back, the first was our wedding night and how ROB was so excited to open the cards and see how much money was in the cards.  That should have been a clue to me about the importance that money was going to play in our marriage.  Then on our honeymoon, we went to a cabin and ended up spending the whole honeymoon sleeping in separate beds..uhmmmm HELLO!!! That one should have left a big old black eye and also the amount a drinking that went on.  CRAZY.

Here is where the story gets out of control, I remembered being out on our boat one evening and we went to a bar on the river called MUDDY WATERS.  I thought this was going to be great an evening out for dinner and time alone (by this I mean no friends around) and we can just talk with each other and reconnect and get things back on track.  Little to my surprise did I know that I was the only one with that thought in my head.  As we were sitting there talking waiting for our dinner to come, ROB went up to the bar to get us more drinks, how thoughtful right?  I thought so also, until the bartender came over and started talking with me. No surprise there, but what took me off guard is when he told me that MY BROTHER; a.k.a. my HUSBAND, told him that I was his sister in town visiting and going through a horrible divorce and thought he & I would hit it off.  I think my jaw hit the table and then the floor leaving a dent the size of China in the floor.  I remember sitting there looking at ROB not know what to say.  I finally looked at the bartender and told him thank you but that I was not interested.  As he walked away, ROB started laughing.  Funny…wow, if he had only know he was predicting  the future of me going through a horrible divorce, only it was from him.  I thought to myself, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

Then the next instance came flooding into my brain and this one brought tears to my eyes.  We were once again out on the river and one of ROBs friends was down with us.  We met up with a large group of friends and some of their friends.  I remember this one lady, I will call her Regina to keep all parties safe.  I met her and right away I remember thinking to myself, this lady is trouble.  But she was with her husband and kids so I thought I would be nice, keep my thoughts to myself and give her a chance.  Later that late afternoon almost evening, ROB and I were sitting on our boat talking and I said to him that I thought Regina was a trouble maker and  that he should keep is eyes open.  He laughed at me and said how cute I was when I was jealous.  JEALOUS??? Jealous of what?  I didn’t know this women.  Whatever, I thought.  Well, the evening continued and I was not away that ROB & his buddy had made a bet to see which one could out drink the other….HELLO ANOTHER BIG OLD SIGN!!!  I was tired and said that I wanted to go in and clean up the boat and go to bed.  ROB told me that he would be in later and that he was going to sit up with his buddy and catch up.  Off to the boat I went and was ready for some peace and quiet.  After I got on the boat, got it cleaned up, I forgot to tell ROB that I was going to pull the ladder up so no one else would come aboard.  What a surprise I got when I went out to talk with him.  I went to the front of the boat and looked up to where everyone was gathered around the bonfire. I remember I had to rub my eyes a couple of times.  Was that really happening, maybe I was already asleep.  I stood there for what felt like a lifetime, but am sure it was less than a minute.   I stood there watching as this women Regina sat in her beach chair with her hand up ROBs shorts fondling him…I almost died.  I lowered that ladder flew off that boat, walked up to both of them, took her drink poured it over her and told her is she EVER came around me or my husband again, we were going to have an issue.  At this time I grabbed ROB by the arm and drug him over to the boat where I told him he best get his ass on that boat and shut up.  Once we were both on the boat, ROB informed me that this was going on many nights, nothing new for him to do this and that he was not staying on that boat.  He also informed me that I had no control over him or what he did.  That’s when he stood up said he was going back down to continue partying with his friends.  I wanted to kill him right then and there.  Who was he to talk to me that way and so blatantly?  I told myself that it was the alcohol and  that he would be sorry in the morning.  I went into the cabin, locked all the doors and windows and went to sleep.  After many hours of tears, the sun finally came up and so was I.  I got off that boat loaded up all our stuff, threw Regina’s shit in the river and told ROB and his buddy I was taking the boat and leaving if the wanted to come they better get onboard NOW and shut the hell up.  Little to my surprise, they both scurried up that ladder and off we went.  ROBs buddy came up with his overnight bag and told us to stop at the local dock as he thought we needed to be alone to talk.  Are you kidding me, you would leave me alone with him and all this water?  Would anyone ever find the body?  Again, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

It was the longest ride back to our dock and even longer back to our home.  ROB slept in the spare room or the couch that night, I am not really sure, nor did I care.  The week went on and neither one of us said anything to each other.  What ROB didn’t know was what I had done.

Check in soon see what I had done and see where this marriage was heading.

 

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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In my last post; you will recall the counselor told ROB that she was 99.9% sure that if an assessment were to be done, that it would come back and show that he was an alcoholic.  99.9% sure…WOW!!! That’s pretty definite and for someone to say something like that must be a sign that finally someone saw what I was seeing, but the bigger question was, what was ROB gonna do about it if anything.  WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME?

The drive home that day seemed like a drive that was never gonna end and all I kept hearing was 99.9% sure, 99.9% sure, 99.9% sure.  Over and over and over.  My drive time home was only about 15 minutes, but it seemed like a lifetime that day.  Then I started thinking, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME, would ROB take out his anger on me, would ROB go drinking, even come home or what?  Should I call him and see? What would I say, how would I start a conversation with him?  Should I call my parents and talk with them or better yet, call ROB’s mom and see what she thought.  NO, came back very loud in my mind, I can’t call ROB’s mom.  She didn’t even want to help me before I had a medical opinion, what makes me think she would want to help me now.  If there was one thing I had learned since being married to ROB and dealing with his family, they never dealt with issues but turned the other cheek and just hoped the issue or problem would go away.  Well, that’s not how my family was.  In my family, we talk about everything and lean on each other when times get tough.  Boy was I in a bigger predicament than I could have ever imagined.

I remember pulling into the garage and just sitting in my car for about anther 30 minutes.  Once I made it into the house, I went and sat on our deck that overlooked a golf course.  Oh yes, our home was nice.  ROB always tried to impress people with things he couldn’t afford and his biggest lies were the ones he told himself.  Lies about our financial situation, lies about how perfect our marriage was, lies about me, lies about his personal life and the demons that haunted him.  If there was one thing I knew, was that I could not change a person or help them unless they wanted help.  Most importantly, I needed to help myself now.  What did I need?  That was something I needed to figure out.  I had started to lose so much of myself in this marriage and started to become someone I didn’t even recognize.  Oh sure, I could put on a happy face in front of our family & friends, but once I crossed over that doorway into our home, I became a depressed person.  I remember not even wanting to get out of bed most days.  Now, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME?

ROB came home that night and started in on me.  He claimed he didn’t know how, but that I had gotten to the counselor and made her say those things and that he was not an alcoholic, he was not now or EVER going back to another counseling session and that he would fix what ever needed to be fixed on his own.  ON HIS OWN…that was the last thing that was said about it that night as I remember getting up from the couch, going to our bedroom, closing the door and crying myself to sleep.

One thing ROB never knew, I had a two pictures of us in my night stand and almost every night I would pray to GOD for him to give me the strength to get through this and to give me double the strength to make it through another day to finding the person that I first had fallen in love with.  Would that person ever be able to come back to me?  Did that person even exist anymore.

The next morning, ROB got up, got ready to go to work and came to my bedside, gave me kiss and off he went.  Little did he know what I had planned for my day.  With what little energy I had, I got out of bed and went to my office.  I decided I need to make a call to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, I wasn’t sure where they were, how I would explain my situation, use our real names or how all this worked.  So I decided to GOOGLE it. WWW.GOOGLE.COM then to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, there it was….WWW.AA.ORG.  I think I just sat staring at that computer screen for the next 30 minutes.  Then I did it, I made the call.

How could I have possibly known WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME, next.

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

 

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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When we last left our story, the counseling session had gone well and ROB was anxious to go back.  Was I anxious to go back?  Let’s just say I think that  I was anxious about it all, our life, our marriage, our relationship, our friendships, our families and mostly my heart and feelings.  Could I continue with this? Would things really change this time or was this just another rogue and I would get hurt once again? It was soon to be my time to say, THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE.

I decided to invest it all…put my full effort into it and move forward.  I wanted my marriage, the man I married and most importantly…our happy life.  Did ROB want the same?  I guess I would learn over the next couple weeks.  Our counselor told us that we had to start talking more with each other.  Communication in a relationship was everything; without out it, the marriage was more or less a roommate situation.  Each day, I tried to come up with things to talk about.  Our plans, what was happening with our jobs, finances, families and most importantly what was happening with US.  Each day ROB would get up and go to work, he would give me a kiss goodbye with a I LOVE YOU.  We would talk a couple of times a day, usually about nothing and then when ROB would get home dinner would be on the table.  Things went well for about the first 5 days, then as usual, back to the same old rut.  Back to the ever so meaningless conversations, the phone calls of being on the way home and then not showing up and then the lies once again.  How can no one SEE WHAT I SEE?

For the next 7 days all I could think about was that next counseling session.  How was this to work when we were only going a couple of times and we couldn’t keep it together or learn from the past and move forward to correcting the issues and finding the happiness we once had?  How was I going to get across that I needed the man I married, the one who cared about me, our future and was willing to do anything to hold onto it?  How was I going to get ROB to look in the mirror and wake up?

The day finally came; time to head back to the counselor.  What would our conversation consist of?  Would ROB & I have to initiate the conversation or would she start the conversation? Why was I so darn nervous?  Was my gut trying to tell me something my brain was not willing to accept?  I guess I would find out soon.

I walked into the waiting room and just as I thought the sinking feeling started.  ROB was not there and I wasn’t sure once again if he would even show up.  I checked us in and sat in the chair that I thought would become my chair of choice while waiting to enter into our room I thought would be our salvation.  As I sat looking at a magazine, in strolls ROB.  All confident and sure of himself.  I remember him coming over, sitting in the chair next  to me, and leaning over to softly ask me if I thought these sessions were helping me?  Helping me??? Weren’t we there to help each other?  Weren’t we there to work on US?  Why was ROB really there?  Was I the one with all the issues?  My mind couldn’t even muster up a response to his crazy question.  I just looked forward and the wall and my hands trembled as I tried to continue to hold the magazine.

As I sat waiting for what felt like a lifetime, I realized it had been less than 5 minutes and I heard our names being called.  ROB so confidently sprung out of his chair and took off down the hallway.  I followed but still in a very foggy daze after what I had just heard.  It kept playing through my mind; Are these sessions helping you?

I made my way into the office and took my usual chair. ROB & I always sat facing each other and  the counselor off to one side in a roller chair.  The office was very cozy and inviting.  Thank goodness for  this as I was not ready for what our session today had in store for us.

As we all got comfortable, the counselor started; so both of you, how did these past couple weeks go?  A silence fell over the room as she looked back and forth at ROB and I, and we stared at each other.  ROB started saying something, I think it went well.  We talked and followed your advise.  Again, silence.  Are you kidding me? Which house was ROB in and how can he seriously sit here and say this?  THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE…the counselor looked over to me and asked if this was correct?  I remember looking at her and then back to ROB and saying, somewhat if it was only based on the first 5 days.  A loud grough from across from me.  I guess ROB didn’t agree and that’s when EVERYTHING changed.  Oh if ROB had only known how that sound would open a can of whoop ass on himself like I’ve never seen before; and it wasn’t going to be from me.

Our counselor looked at ROB and asked what the noise was for?  He replied to her with, we talked, did more things together, went out, had fun and she says something like that?  The counselors reply to that was, WELL ROB, WHY WOULD SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF IT WASN’T TRUE?  True?  We were going to base this on the truth?  ROB doesn’t know what truth is anymore was all that was going through my mind, but I sat quiet waiting for a reply, just as she was patiently waiting.  No reply.  I started to fidget in the chair.  ROB started to get red in the face.  Oh, this was not going to be good.  Then his reply, I DON’T KNOW WHY and all eyes were on me.  HOLY SHIT!!! Tears started running down my face, what the hell was this?  Why were there these tears, how was I to get through this.  I remember wanting to just dash out of that office when my mouth opened and it all spilled out.  Yes, we talked about certain things and when I tried to bring up anything serious or of matter, ROB would turn it all off and either walk away from me or get mad and just sit in silence.  Then I started talking about how in the past couple weeks, there were at least 8 nights he didn’t come home, but rather went out with friends or to a bar.  I never quit understood that, how someone could just go sit at a bar by themself and drink, but my ROB sure could and by the time he left the whole bar knew him and had become his new best friends. And that’s when my input in this session ended; and not because I was done, but because this was going to be a moment in time ROB would never forget.

The office we were all in became quiet for a moment.  The counselor was jotting something down in her notebook.  Man I wished I could get my hands on that notebook and see what she was writing and read what she was really thinking about us, our situation and how she thought she could help us.  If I had only known what she was really writing in that notebook, I think I would have fallen over.  She looked at ROB and started with the questions. Questions that intrigued me, but what astounded me were the responses.

It started off with family questions, why was ROB so upset with his parents, why was he taking is frustrations out on all his relationships, why didn’t he have a better relationships with his sister, did he ever take responsibility for anything bad that happened in his life, why did he always have to drink, how many drinks a week did he have, how often did he drink at home, would he and is he comfortable drinking at home alone, how many times a week did this happen, and here was the kicker…DID HE THINK HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC?  I saw the frustration building in ROB as she continued question after question, his question of deflection of WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND SHE IS JUST SITTING THERE…but when that last question hit, I thought he was going to lose his mind and a gasket in that room.  With a chuckle, head roll and roll of his eyes, he gave an emphatic, NO!  Again, more scribbling in that notebook!  What was she writing?

As she calmly sat back, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…ROB, BY WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND OUR CONVERSATIONS, I BELIEVE I WOULD BE 99.9% CORRECT IN ME ANALYSIS OF YOU BEING AN ALCOHOLIC.  What, did I hear that correctly? Had I fallen asleep and this whole thing was a dream?  As I sat there and the conversation continued, I knew this was no dream.  ROB, in a voice of disgust and horror replied with the most determined NO WAY IN HELL.  You have no idea what you are talking about.  I am not sure why, but that comment I remember brining a smile to my face, to this day I am not sure why, but I also remember thinking…THANK GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE.  The counselor continued stating; I am sure that if you were to take the tests, the results would come back with her assessment being correct.  ROB continued to look her in the eye while squirming in the chair saying she had no idea what she was talking about.  Her reply, if he was so certain, take the test and prove her wrong.  That’s when my last remaining hope disappeared.  With that ROB said an other stern NO and got up and walked out.  I sat there looking at the counselor.  Neither one of us saying a thing and I wasn’t sure if our session was over, should I also leave or would ROB come back?  Who was I kidding, we both knew he wasn’t coming back and that’s when she said, I don’t know if I will see you or both of you again, but if I don’t, I wish you well and please look out for yourself.  What has been revealed in just these couple of sessions to me, is a clear indication that this won’t end well for you.  I stood up in shock, gathered my things, said a polite thank you and made my way out of her office.  I remember standing in the hallway to gather myself as I was very nervous as to what I was going to have to face once I turned that corner and ran into ROB, whether it be in the waiting room, the entry, outside this office or God forbid in the privacy of our home.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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