He really wants to go back?

What a journey it’s been so far…the courtship, the whooing, the wedding, the gambling, drinking, womanizing, lies and so much more…and HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK?

Go Back; how do we go back after all this hurt?  Could counseling really help our situation? Would ROB really be honest to the counselor? Would ROB really listen to what I was saying and accept & understand my feelings?  One will only know by showing up and going to the appointments.  So that’s exactly what I did.  Chin held high and at stern backbone, I walked into that waiting room and decided to make this the FIRST day of my new marriage & happy life.

When ROB walked through the door, I thought thank goodness, 1/2 the battle is over, he did show up.  He seemed to be in good spirits although with the wrenching of his hands, I knew he was nervous.  Why would he be so nervous?  Did he finally realize that he would have to open up about everything and tell the truth?  Did he even know what the truth was anymore? Was he just going to lie about everything again today and say he did what I asked so that was that?  I guess I would find out in the next 5 minutes.

Sitting in that waiting room, neither one of us said anything to each other.  I hope this wasn’t any indication as to how the meeting was going to go.  I looked up and there she was, our counselor.  ROB said he wanted to see a women so I made sure that we did that to make it easier on him.  Yep, you heard me right, make it easier on HIM…why, I have no idea.  She brought us back to her office and we all took our seats.  The conversation started out very light and then like a flu coming on in full strength, everything just started pouring out of my mouth!  I couldn’t help it nor could I stop it!  All the lies, hurtful things said, gambling, drinking and more was put in front of us and her.  I remember looking at ROB with tears streaming down my face and then when I finally stopped our counselor handed me a tissue and asked ROB what he had to say about what I just said.  He said he had no idea…NO IDEA?  Who the hell are you kidding?  I have yelled at you, written you notes, given you the silent treatment, had my parents talk with us and you have NO IDEA???   I just looked at the counselor.  She kept a very unbiased look on her face, but I could see the pain in her eyes and that’s when things changed.  She asked me about my upbringing and I told her my parents were happily married; oh yes, they had their issues but always worked through them, I have one sister that got married when she was 20 and was still very happily married with 3 lovely children, I had a great up bringing and am VERY close to my family.  We  talked about the health issues and the strain it put on our marriage that first year.  She told me that I can’t feel guilty for that as it was out of my control and that I should expect nothing but the full support of my husband during those tough times.

That’s when she looked at ROB; you could see the fear in his eyes.  He did not want to go any further.  The counselor explained to him that we had to go all the way back in order to move forward…it made me question, did HE REALLY WANT TO GO BACK?  ROB started to talk; telling about his parents; their turmoil relationship, the drinking and being taken to bars while they got drunk, the domestic abuse his mom endured, his sisters issues with drugs, alcohol, her having a child at 19, how he moved out at 16 didn’t graduate high school and never got his GED is insecurities being around people who had them and how he never felt he measured up, the failure of his first marriage, the walking out on his son and not being apart of his life for the first 5 or so years.  Even though I had heard most of this it still shocked me that one person had gone through so much.  For some reason when I listened to ROB talked, I saw & heard the hurt that almost 40 years had over ROB, but I also had a VERY unsettling voice YELLING at me from my gut!!  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING AND HOW DO “YOU” THINK YOU CAN FIX THIS?  I thought I was going to throw up.  How could we ever get past all of this and how much more was I going to have to endure in order to get to those happy times?  Again, that thought…HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK?

I am not sure why or where my need to feel like I have to fix EVERYTHING has some come from.  I was raised in a very supportive family; and when I say family I don’t just mean my immediate family, but my extended also and let’s just say that they are not only supportive but VERY protective.  They would do anything for any of us if we just asked for it.  Why can’t I ask for help when I need it?  To this day, I am a very proud woman who has the most difficult time asking for any sort of help.

Back to the story, HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK? Back to what? Does he even know how to live with out the lies, deceit, gambling & drinking?  Does he know how to live happily without having to be drunk all the time to get that happiness? Does he realize people like him for him; not for the person he thinks they all want him to be?  Can he live in a real world where he may not be the richest, funniest or big man on campus all the time?  Then it hit me…CAN I LIVE WITH A MAN WITH THIS MANY DISFUNCTIONS?

It is amazing what can all come out in just one hour and how you can view things differently when you are listening to someone and hearing them tell someone who knows how to ask the correct questions.  Our session ended.  I was surprised when the counselor asked us to make another session in a couple of weeks and if we would do some homework before our next session and ROB said YES.  I think I almost gave myself whiplash when I did the double take at his words.

On our way out, ROB asked if I would go have lunch with him and talk about what happened in that last hour.  I got the biggest wave of warmth over my whole body and I wanted to cry!  Did it happen? Did ROB finally see what was going on and truly want to make a new beginning and a new beginning with me?  Of course I wanted to go to lunch and talk about this.  This was going to be our course to betterness & change.  Have a session and then talk about it, how we were going to work together to become stronger and work TOGETHER to make this marriage not only the best ever but one that was so strong nothing would EVER come between us again.

When we got to the restaurant, we talked about everything.  ROB loved the counselor and felt very comfortable with her.  He actually said he was excited to go back to our next session.  I didn’t think anything could have wiped that smile of my face that I was so proudly shinning from my face.  After about another hour of rehashing over what was said, asking questions of each other and feeling like we could move the world, we both agreed we had to get back to work.  We walked out and ROB gave me the biggest and longest hug, looked me in the eyes and told me how much he loved me.  YES!!! THIS was the man I married and cared about.

I remember THAT DAY; all the happiness, genuine heart-felt feeling & passion it brought and have to wonder, CAN HE REALLY GO BACK AND CHANGE OR IS HE JUST BUYING MORE TIME?  More time for what though?

Would this happiness, honesty and communication last forever, until the next session or just for that day?  Only time would tell.  Would we or could we even make it to the next session?

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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