What would happen to ME?

In the last post, you may remember ROB was told by our therapist that she even felt that he was an alcoholic and wanted him to take a test to show her he wasn’t.  Rob stormed out of that session and vowed to me that he would never return. I thought, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

Well, like this post, I was not sure where to go next, I was not sure where to go with my life, emotions and most importantly my heart.  I still loved this man, or at least the man I thought he could still be, but could he really still be in there?  Was I enough to make him want to return to the person I met and fell in love with 3 years ago, did he even still want to be in this marriage…more importantly, did I want to still be in this marriage. Again, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

It was one of the week nights I knew ROB had to work late, but more importantly wasn’t even sure he would come home at all after what happened.  So I knew I had some time to think.  Think LONG and HARD about what I needed to do for me, where had this marriage gone wrong, could I help to fix it and more importantly, did I want to fix it.

So time for me to stroll down memory lane and take a good hard look at things and that is exactly what I did for the next 4 hours of my life.  I turned off all the phones & TV’s, locked the doors and sat with my thoughts a notebook and started writing down what had happened to me.  The memories started to flow back, the first was our wedding night and how ROB was so excited to open the cards and see how much money was in the cards.  That should have been a clue to me about the importance that money was going to play in our marriage.  Then on our honeymoon, we went to a cabin and ended up spending the whole honeymoon sleeping in separate beds..uhmmmm HELLO!!! That one should have left a big old black eye and also the amount a drinking that went on.  CRAZY.

Here is where the story gets out of control, I remembered being out on our boat one evening and we went to a bar on the river called MUDDY WATERS.  I thought this was going to be great an evening out for dinner and time alone (by this I mean no friends around) and we can just talk with each other and reconnect and get things back on track.  Little to my surprise did I know that I was the only one with that thought in my head.  As we were sitting there talking waiting for our dinner to come, ROB went up to the bar to get us more drinks, how thoughtful right?  I thought so also, until the bartender came over and started talking with me. No surprise there, but what took me off guard is when he told me that MY BROTHER; a.k.a. my HUSBAND, told him that I was his sister in town visiting and going through a horrible divorce and thought he & I would hit it off.  I think my jaw hit the table and then the floor leaving a dent the size of China in the floor.  I remember sitting there looking at ROB not know what to say.  I finally looked at the bartender and told him thank you but that I was not interested.  As he walked away, ROB started laughing.  Funny…wow, if he had only know he was predicting  the future of me going through a horrible divorce, only it was from him.  I thought to myself, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

Then the next instance came flooding into my brain and this one brought tears to my eyes.  We were once again out on the river and one of ROBs friends was down with us.  We met up with a large group of friends and some of their friends.  I remember this one lady, I will call her Regina to keep all parties safe.  I met her and right away I remember thinking to myself, this lady is trouble.  But she was with her husband and kids so I thought I would be nice, keep my thoughts to myself and give her a chance.  Later that late afternoon almost evening, ROB and I were sitting on our boat talking and I said to him that I thought Regina was a trouble maker and  that he should keep is eyes open.  He laughed at me and said how cute I was when I was jealous.  JEALOUS??? Jealous of what?  I didn’t know this women.  Whatever, I thought.  Well, the evening continued and I was not away that ROB & his buddy had made a bet to see which one could out drink the other….HELLO ANOTHER BIG OLD SIGN!!!  I was tired and said that I wanted to go in and clean up the boat and go to bed.  ROB told me that he would be in later and that he was going to sit up with his buddy and catch up.  Off to the boat I went and was ready for some peace and quiet.  After I got on the boat, got it cleaned up, I forgot to tell ROB that I was going to pull the ladder up so no one else would come aboard.  What a surprise I got when I went out to talk with him.  I went to the front of the boat and looked up to where everyone was gathered around the bonfire. I remember I had to rub my eyes a couple of times.  Was that really happening, maybe I was already asleep.  I stood there for what felt like a lifetime, but am sure it was less than a minute.   I stood there watching as this women Regina sat in her beach chair with her hand up ROBs shorts fondling him…I almost died.  I lowered that ladder flew off that boat, walked up to both of them, took her drink poured it over her and told her is she EVER came around me or my husband again, we were going to have an issue.  At this time I grabbed ROB by the arm and drug him over to the boat where I told him he best get his ass on that boat and shut up.  Once we were both on the boat, ROB informed me that this was going on many nights, nothing new for him to do this and that he was not staying on that boat.  He also informed me that I had no control over him or what he did.  That’s when he stood up said he was going back down to continue partying with his friends.  I wanted to kill him right then and there.  Who was he to talk to me that way and so blatantly?  I told myself that it was the alcohol and  that he would be sorry in the morning.  I went into the cabin, locked all the doors and windows and went to sleep.  After many hours of tears, the sun finally came up and so was I.  I got off that boat loaded up all our stuff, threw Regina’s shit in the river and told ROB and his buddy I was taking the boat and leaving if the wanted to come they better get onboard NOW and shut the hell up.  Little to my surprise, they both scurried up that ladder and off we went.  ROBs buddy came up with his overnight bag and told us to stop at the local dock as he thought we needed to be alone to talk.  Are you kidding me, you would leave me alone with him and all this water?  Would anyone ever find the body?  Again, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME?

It was the longest ride back to our dock and even longer back to our home.  ROB slept in the spare room or the couch that night, I am not really sure, nor did I care.  The week went on and neither one of us said anything to each other.  What ROB didn’t know was what I had done.

Check in soon see what I had done and see where this marriage was heading.

 

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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Thank you God…someone who sees what I see…

When we last left our story, the counseling session had gone well and ROB was anxious to go back.  Was I anxious to go back?  Let’s just say I think that  I was anxious about it all, our life, our marriage, our relationship, our friendships, our families and mostly my heart and feelings.  Could I continue with this? Would things really change this time or was this just another rogue and I would get hurt once again? It was soon to be my time to say, THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE.

I decided to invest it all…put my full effort into it and move forward.  I wanted my marriage, the man I married and most importantly…our happy life.  Did ROB want the same?  I guess I would learn over the next couple weeks.  Our counselor told us that we had to start talking more with each other.  Communication in a relationship was everything; without out it, the marriage was more or less a roommate situation.  Each day, I tried to come up with things to talk about.  Our plans, what was happening with our jobs, finances, families and most importantly what was happening with US.  Each day ROB would get up and go to work, he would give me a kiss goodbye with a I LOVE YOU.  We would talk a couple of times a day, usually about nothing and then when ROB would get home dinner would be on the table.  Things went well for about the first 5 days, then as usual, back to the same old rut.  Back to the ever so meaningless conversations, the phone calls of being on the way home and then not showing up and then the lies once again.  How can no one SEE WHAT I SEE?

For the next 7 days all I could think about was that next counseling session.  How was this to work when we were only going a couple of times and we couldn’t keep it together or learn from the past and move forward to correcting the issues and finding the happiness we once had?  How was I going to get across that I needed the man I married, the one who cared about me, our future and was willing to do anything to hold onto it?  How was I going to get ROB to look in the mirror and wake up?

The day finally came; time to head back to the counselor.  What would our conversation consist of?  Would ROB & I have to initiate the conversation or would she start the conversation? Why was I so darn nervous?  Was my gut trying to tell me something my brain was not willing to accept?  I guess I would find out soon.

I walked into the waiting room and just as I thought the sinking feeling started.  ROB was not there and I wasn’t sure once again if he would even show up.  I checked us in and sat in the chair that I thought would become my chair of choice while waiting to enter into our room I thought would be our salvation.  As I sat looking at a magazine, in strolls ROB.  All confident and sure of himself.  I remember him coming over, sitting in the chair next  to me, and leaning over to softly ask me if I thought these sessions were helping me?  Helping me??? Weren’t we there to help each other?  Weren’t we there to work on US?  Why was ROB really there?  Was I the one with all the issues?  My mind couldn’t even muster up a response to his crazy question.  I just looked forward and the wall and my hands trembled as I tried to continue to hold the magazine.

As I sat waiting for what felt like a lifetime, I realized it had been less than 5 minutes and I heard our names being called.  ROB so confidently sprung out of his chair and took off down the hallway.  I followed but still in a very foggy daze after what I had just heard.  It kept playing through my mind; Are these sessions helping you?

I made my way into the office and took my usual chair. ROB & I always sat facing each other and  the counselor off to one side in a roller chair.  The office was very cozy and inviting.  Thank goodness for  this as I was not ready for what our session today had in store for us.

As we all got comfortable, the counselor started; so both of you, how did these past couple weeks go?  A silence fell over the room as she looked back and forth at ROB and I, and we stared at each other.  ROB started saying something, I think it went well.  We talked and followed your advise.  Again, silence.  Are you kidding me? Which house was ROB in and how can he seriously sit here and say this?  THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE…the counselor looked over to me and asked if this was correct?  I remember looking at her and then back to ROB and saying, somewhat if it was only based on the first 5 days.  A loud grough from across from me.  I guess ROB didn’t agree and that’s when EVERYTHING changed.  Oh if ROB had only known how that sound would open a can of whoop ass on himself like I’ve never seen before; and it wasn’t going to be from me.

Our counselor looked at ROB and asked what the noise was for?  He replied to her with, we talked, did more things together, went out, had fun and she says something like that?  The counselors reply to that was, WELL ROB, WHY WOULD SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF IT WASN’T TRUE?  True?  We were going to base this on the truth?  ROB doesn’t know what truth is anymore was all that was going through my mind, but I sat quiet waiting for a reply, just as she was patiently waiting.  No reply.  I started to fidget in the chair.  ROB started to get red in the face.  Oh, this was not going to be good.  Then his reply, I DON’T KNOW WHY and all eyes were on me.  HOLY SHIT!!! Tears started running down my face, what the hell was this?  Why were there these tears, how was I to get through this.  I remember wanting to just dash out of that office when my mouth opened and it all spilled out.  Yes, we talked about certain things and when I tried to bring up anything serious or of matter, ROB would turn it all off and either walk away from me or get mad and just sit in silence.  Then I started talking about how in the past couple weeks, there were at least 8 nights he didn’t come home, but rather went out with friends or to a bar.  I never quit understood that, how someone could just go sit at a bar by themself and drink, but my ROB sure could and by the time he left the whole bar knew him and had become his new best friends. And that’s when my input in this session ended; and not because I was done, but because this was going to be a moment in time ROB would never forget.

The office we were all in became quiet for a moment.  The counselor was jotting something down in her notebook.  Man I wished I could get my hands on that notebook and see what she was writing and read what she was really thinking about us, our situation and how she thought she could help us.  If I had only known what she was really writing in that notebook, I think I would have fallen over.  She looked at ROB and started with the questions. Questions that intrigued me, but what astounded me were the responses.

It started off with family questions, why was ROB so upset with his parents, why was he taking is frustrations out on all his relationships, why didn’t he have a better relationships with his sister, did he ever take responsibility for anything bad that happened in his life, why did he always have to drink, how many drinks a week did he have, how often did he drink at home, would he and is he comfortable drinking at home alone, how many times a week did this happen, and here was the kicker…DID HE THINK HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC?  I saw the frustration building in ROB as she continued question after question, his question of deflection of WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND SHE IS JUST SITTING THERE…but when that last question hit, I thought he was going to lose his mind and a gasket in that room.  With a chuckle, head roll and roll of his eyes, he gave an emphatic, NO!  Again, more scribbling in that notebook!  What was she writing?

As she calmly sat back, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…ROB, BY WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND OUR CONVERSATIONS, I BELIEVE I WOULD BE 99.9% CORRECT IN ME ANALYSIS OF YOU BEING AN ALCOHOLIC.  What, did I hear that correctly? Had I fallen asleep and this whole thing was a dream?  As I sat there and the conversation continued, I knew this was no dream.  ROB, in a voice of disgust and horror replied with the most determined NO WAY IN HELL.  You have no idea what you are talking about.  I am not sure why, but that comment I remember brining a smile to my face, to this day I am not sure why, but I also remember thinking…THANK GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE.  The counselor continued stating; I am sure that if you were to take the tests, the results would come back with her assessment being correct.  ROB continued to look her in the eye while squirming in the chair saying she had no idea what she was talking about.  Her reply, if he was so certain, take the test and prove her wrong.  That’s when my last remaining hope disappeared.  With that ROB said an other stern NO and got up and walked out.  I sat there looking at the counselor.  Neither one of us saying a thing and I wasn’t sure if our session was over, should I also leave or would ROB come back?  Who was I kidding, we both knew he wasn’t coming back and that’s when she said, I don’t know if I will see you or both of you again, but if I don’t, I wish you well and please look out for yourself.  What has been revealed in just these couple of sessions to me, is a clear indication that this won’t end well for you.  I stood up in shock, gathered my things, said a polite thank you and made my way out of her office.  I remember standing in the hallway to gather myself as I was very nervous as to what I was going to have to face once I turned that corner and ran into ROB, whether it be in the waiting room, the entry, outside this office or God forbid in the privacy of our home.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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He really wants to go back?

What a journey it’s been so far…the courtship, the whooing, the wedding, the gambling, drinking, womanizing, lies and so much more…and HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK?

Go Back; how do we go back after all this hurt?  Could counseling really help our situation? Would ROB really be honest to the counselor? Would ROB really listen to what I was saying and accept & understand my feelings?  One will only know by showing up and going to the appointments.  So that’s exactly what I did.  Chin held high and at stern backbone, I walked into that waiting room and decided to make this the FIRST day of my new marriage & happy life.

When ROB walked through the door, I thought thank goodness, 1/2 the battle is over, he did show up.  He seemed to be in good spirits although with the wrenching of his hands, I knew he was nervous.  Why would he be so nervous?  Did he finally realize that he would have to open up about everything and tell the truth?  Did he even know what the truth was anymore? Was he just going to lie about everything again today and say he did what I asked so that was that?  I guess I would find out in the next 5 minutes.

Sitting in that waiting room, neither one of us said anything to each other.  I hope this wasn’t any indication as to how the meeting was going to go.  I looked up and there she was, our counselor.  ROB said he wanted to see a women so I made sure that we did that to make it easier on him.  Yep, you heard me right, make it easier on HIM…why, I have no idea.  She brought us back to her office and we all took our seats.  The conversation started out very light and then like a flu coming on in full strength, everything just started pouring out of my mouth!  I couldn’t help it nor could I stop it!  All the lies, hurtful things said, gambling, drinking and more was put in front of us and her.  I remember looking at ROB with tears streaming down my face and then when I finally stopped our counselor handed me a tissue and asked ROB what he had to say about what I just said.  He said he had no idea…NO IDEA?  Who the hell are you kidding?  I have yelled at you, written you notes, given you the silent treatment, had my parents talk with us and you have NO IDEA???   I just looked at the counselor.  She kept a very unbiased look on her face, but I could see the pain in her eyes and that’s when things changed.  She asked me about my upbringing and I told her my parents were happily married; oh yes, they had their issues but always worked through them, I have one sister that got married when she was 20 and was still very happily married with 3 lovely children, I had a great up bringing and am VERY close to my family.  We  talked about the health issues and the strain it put on our marriage that first year.  She told me that I can’t feel guilty for that as it was out of my control and that I should expect nothing but the full support of my husband during those tough times.

That’s when she looked at ROB; you could see the fear in his eyes.  He did not want to go any further.  The counselor explained to him that we had to go all the way back in order to move forward…it made me question, did HE REALLY WANT TO GO BACK?  ROB started to talk; telling about his parents; their turmoil relationship, the drinking and being taken to bars while they got drunk, the domestic abuse his mom endured, his sisters issues with drugs, alcohol, her having a child at 19, how he moved out at 16 didn’t graduate high school and never got his GED is insecurities being around people who had them and how he never felt he measured up, the failure of his first marriage, the walking out on his son and not being apart of his life for the first 5 or so years.  Even though I had heard most of this it still shocked me that one person had gone through so much.  For some reason when I listened to ROB talked, I saw & heard the hurt that almost 40 years had over ROB, but I also had a VERY unsettling voice YELLING at me from my gut!!  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING AND HOW DO “YOU” THINK YOU CAN FIX THIS?  I thought I was going to throw up.  How could we ever get past all of this and how much more was I going to have to endure in order to get to those happy times?  Again, that thought…HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK?

I am not sure why or where my need to feel like I have to fix EVERYTHING has some come from.  I was raised in a very supportive family; and when I say family I don’t just mean my immediate family, but my extended also and let’s just say that they are not only supportive but VERY protective.  They would do anything for any of us if we just asked for it.  Why can’t I ask for help when I need it?  To this day, I am a very proud woman who has the most difficult time asking for any sort of help.

Back to the story, HE REALLY WANTS TO GO BACK? Back to what? Does he even know how to live with out the lies, deceit, gambling & drinking?  Does he know how to live happily without having to be drunk all the time to get that happiness? Does he realize people like him for him; not for the person he thinks they all want him to be?  Can he live in a real world where he may not be the richest, funniest or big man on campus all the time?  Then it hit me…CAN I LIVE WITH A MAN WITH THIS MANY DISFUNCTIONS?

It is amazing what can all come out in just one hour and how you can view things differently when you are listening to someone and hearing them tell someone who knows how to ask the correct questions.  Our session ended.  I was surprised when the counselor asked us to make another session in a couple of weeks and if we would do some homework before our next session and ROB said YES.  I think I almost gave myself whiplash when I did the double take at his words.

On our way out, ROB asked if I would go have lunch with him and talk about what happened in that last hour.  I got the biggest wave of warmth over my whole body and I wanted to cry!  Did it happen? Did ROB finally see what was going on and truly want to make a new beginning and a new beginning with me?  Of course I wanted to go to lunch and talk about this.  This was going to be our course to betterness & change.  Have a session and then talk about it, how we were going to work together to become stronger and work TOGETHER to make this marriage not only the best ever but one that was so strong nothing would EVER come between us again.

When we got to the restaurant, we talked about everything.  ROB loved the counselor and felt very comfortable with her.  He actually said he was excited to go back to our next session.  I didn’t think anything could have wiped that smile of my face that I was so proudly shinning from my face.  After about another hour of rehashing over what was said, asking questions of each other and feeling like we could move the world, we both agreed we had to get back to work.  We walked out and ROB gave me the biggest and longest hug, looked me in the eyes and told me how much he loved me.  YES!!! THIS was the man I married and cared about.

I remember THAT DAY; all the happiness, genuine heart-felt feeling & passion it brought and have to wonder, CAN HE REALLY GO BACK AND CHANGE OR IS HE JUST BUYING MORE TIME?  More time for what though?

Would this happiness, honesty and communication last forever, until the next session or just for that day?  Only time would tell.  Would we or could we even make it to the next session?

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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Just when you think it can’t get worse…

Just when you think it can’t get worse….

via Just when you think it can’t get worse….

Just when you think it can’t get worse…

So, in a brief but very stressful 3 years, ROB has lost his job, embezzled from his partner from a business I started for him, drinking all the time and told me he was going to file for a divorce.  Now doesn’t this sound like something every girl dreams of?  This is surely not how my childhood dream of marriage was when I pretend.

Well, it’s time to face the true hard facts, JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN’T GET WORSE…ROB started to not come home at night.  Oh I would call and he would say I am on my way, an hour would pass, two would pass and I would call again only to hear the same lie I was told 2 hours ago, I am on my way home.  Things got so out of hand with ROB’s drinking; I would sit up at night in my office watching out the bay window for his truck to pull into the driveway, just crying.  What the hell did I ever do to deserve this in my life? At first it started out a few hours later than what he had told me; than it progressed to not coming home until well after 5am or so.  Then, he started not coming home at night.  I got the bullshit line of, I am at our friends house right in the neighborhood and too drunk to come home.  RIGHT!!! You think I am that dumb?  I knew he was fucking other women at other people’s houses.  Little did ROB know, was that the bouncers at the bars and such were telling me so.  JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT CAN’T GET WORSE, one day I got up to go to work and ROB had not only driven home drunk, but puked down the whole side of his truck.  I went to work, called him to try to talk with him and he told me I had no idea what I was talking about and that he only puked because he was coughing so hard.  WHATEVER!  I didn’t know what to do.

Due to our financial situation which was so far in debt we couldn’t go a day without a bill collector calling, ROB started gambling on top of everything else.  I had never had to deal with a gambler so I was not sure how to deal with this new obstical in my marriage.

ROB’s mother has victoriously been a recovered alcoholic for 17 years of her life at this point in time of mine.  So with my head hung low and my tail between my legs, I called her for advise.  Now wouldn’t you think with this being your child and your only boy, you would jump into action to help him?  I almost fell off my chair when I was talking with her.  I remember crying on the phone and asking her to please keep this conversation strictly between her & I as I would really get in trouble with ROB for discussing our problems with his family.  So I started telling her about the drinking and how it had progressed out of control, the gambling, the embezzlement and now the not coming home at night.  Do you all know what her reply was to me?  She said in a very direct voice and matter of factly…I am so sorry you are going through this.  The best I can tell you is that if I had known then, what I know now, I would have left years ago.  ROB is his father’s son and that is a matter of fact with what you are telling me here.  Get out while you can.  Don’t look back and go find something or someone who does make you happy.  WHAT??? What the hell is this?   Aren’t you the guys mother?  Aren’t you worried about him and want to help him?  I couldn’t say a word!  I just sat there.  All I could muster up was I had to go.  I must have sat on the couch a good couple hours staring out the window.  What am I to do?

That conversation was never spoke about again.  About a month later, ROB went out on a binge, drinking and not coming home.  I had learned that on nights when he didn’t come home, he was going to MYSTIC LAKE CASINO playing high stakes blackjack.  I began to log onto the computer in my office and watch the bank accounts get drained.  It would start out, with a withdrawal of $532.35 ($500.00 to gamble and $32.35 for a withdrawal fee).  however, on this particular night, I watched as ROB cleared our bank account of $12,000.00.  Tears streamed down my face for a good 4 hours.  Yes, I had a minny melt down throwing things, breaking things and became someone who I didn’t know.  This is not my personality or who I was. It was almost 9am when I went to bed.  ROB & I shared a california king bed.  I was shaking and crying so hard; the whole bed was shaking.  Around 11am, ROB strolled in the door.  Came into the bedroom and asked why I was still in bed.  I just laid there; told him I knew what he had just done and that I couldn’t live like this anymore.  ROB came to the bed, tears starting to stream down his face and him laying over my legs with his chest and arms and calmly said…I know I need help, I am willing to do anything you want cuz I don’t want to lose you and I can’t live without you in my life.  Since I had had all night to think about this, I calmly replied, we have to start counseling and I mean immediately.  However, I am NOT going to save you from this.  You must find the counselor, make the appointment and show up to all the sessions.  He agreed and I told him that I would not forget this conversation, so if he was just talking to calm me down, let’s just forget the whole deal and go our separate ways.  He said absolutely not and that he would make the appointment right away.

Well, since I wanted my marriage to last; I found the counselor, made the appointment and told ROB when & where we were to be.  I showed up and was very shocked when ROB actually walked through the door.  Oh my! We were actually going to do this.  Maybe he really did care, maybe he really did want help, MAYBE he really couldn’t live without me….who was I kidding?

As we walked into that office, how was I EVER to prepare myself for what was about to happen!  JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN’T GET WORSE…

 

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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A toast to remember…

Who could think that in 4 short and I mean very short months; one girl can go from being with a man she thought adored her, to actually being with someone who would & could do everything to hurt, manipulate and use her?  You maybe wondering how I come to this conclusion with just one fight and some name calling, right?  Well, let’s take a really quick trip down another short road  that happened.  In the three months prior to our first Thanksgiving together, ROB, lost his 3 figure income, talked to me about purchasing a used Harley Davidson…which I agreed to but only in the amount of roughly $10,000.00 as he had not found another job yet, had started to gamble (and NOT on a casual basis), and started staying out later and later with THE BOYS at the bar.  Oh and not to mention, that jackass pulled up in the driveway with not a used Harley Davidson, but a brand new 100th addition Fat Boy with a customer paint job.  He put me on the back of that damn thing and took was going to take me on a ride to meet some of our other BIKER FRIENDS!!!!! I was so tense he turned around a mile from our home.  Before the bike reached the driveway I think I was on the couch and ready to kill someone.  ROB, decided to come in and ask me, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?  My problem, oh know you want to know MY PROBLEM?  Let’s see, we agreed on something and ROB couldn’t even make that work.  Oh, I will tell you what MY PROBLEM is…I let him have it!  Again I almost for batem restated  the conversation we had about that $10,000.00 bike in the garage!  He admitted it was more like $25,000.00 he spent and that he had been SINGLE for almost 10 years and I couldn’t expect him to change overnight! Oh REALLY!!! I had NEVER been married and I had NEVER had to talk to ANYONE about my money or how I spent it…but I was trying!  So, I simply explained it to him that when I purchased a $25,000.00 TENNIS BRACELET that only I would get the use out of, he best keep his damn mouth shut and accept it!  His reply…YOU WOULD NEVER…no I didn’t think I would, but things changed and so had I!

Along with this new Harley…I had watched ROB gamble over $2,000.00 away one evening…not even really an evening, but a couple hours.  You are probably wondering why this is so upsetting, right?  Well, it was because he had already been out drinking for a rough 5 hours and I was sitting at home watching the money come out of the bank account when he had called and said he was on his way home!  Oh yeah, I in my pajama’s stormed into Mystic Lake Casino and let him have it!

So, know that you have a little more into my WONDERFUL life, let’s get back to that wonderful first Thanksgiving dinner.

As you remember, I had been up all night trying to figure out what to do and make a dinner for 10 people.  Yep, his parents, sister, my parents & my step-son.  The table looked perfect with MY best china, the house smelt great and all was in place.  When ROB finally decided to wake up and journey up to the kitchen from the guest room in our lower level where he slept that night, the first thing he saw was me in the kitchen crying.  Do you know what his first words were?  Yep, HONEY WHAT’S WRONG?  Are you kidding me…with swollen red eyes, I spun on him and asked YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG?  I WILL TELL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT’S WRONG!  I married someone I thought had a heart and cared about me, but what I got was someone who only cared about himself and fuck the rest of the world or those in it.  He just stood there.  To his amazement, I asked him directly; DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TO ME LAST NIGHT?  His reply, not really.  I started to laugh, if I only had had a camera to take a picture of him tilting his head and trying to figure out what was going on.  I replayed the night instance for instance and word for word and then I added…SO LET’S DO THIS!  He just stood there.  I told him; he best get a move on, he still had to go pick up our son from his moms and people would be coming soon.  At this point, he looked at me with a ghostly look on his face and said, I don’t really thing we should have Thanksgiving and I don’t think Pete (name changed to protect him) should come over either.  I didn’t even face him with my reply of, OH HELL NO! WE ARE DOING THIS AND PETE WILL BE HERE ALSO.  GET MOVING.

As ROB went off to shower, I took a deep breath and made my way from the kitchen to our sun room to sit and look out and get my plan together.  Oh I wanted everyone there for this one.  I thought how perfect this was going to be and I was going to leave him holding the spoon of guilt and having to answer LOTS of questions; especially from my mom & dad whom would not have a clue as to what just happened.

My plan…in my mind, this is how it was going to go.  Since this was our first joint family gathering and everyone was expecting things to be special, I wanted to make the moment special.  With that said, I saw things going down something like this:

Everyone would take their places at the table, I would bring over the turkey (that by the way was GREAT and everyone did love it), and once everyone was seated, I was going to pour the wine for those that did drink and sparkling juice for those that didn’t.  At this wonderful moment, I was going to stand next to my newly BELOVED husband and say:

FIRST OFF, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR COMING TO OUR HAPPY HOME AND CELEBRATING THIS; OUR FIRST HOLIDAY TOGETHER.  PLEASE EAT THIS TURKEY I HAVE SPENT ALL NIGHT PREPARING FOR YOU AND ENJOY!  HOWEVER, SINCE MY ADORABLE HUSBAND PLANS TO FILE FOR DIVORCE TOMORROW I WILL NOT BE JOINING YOU.

And with that I was going to storm out the door and leave.  Where I was going to go or what I was going to do…that I wasn’t sure of.  But I am sure I would come up with something.

When ROB came home from picking up Pete, he had a gas station bouquet of flowers, a huge hug and tears with tons of SORRY’s.  Only problem was, I had received so many of these bouquets, hugs and sorry’s, it didn’t really matter to me.  But you know what somewhere, it did.

As the families started to come, I had a hard time looking at anyone or even mingling with anyone.  My mom asked what was wrong & if she could help with anything so that I could relax a little.  NO! I didn’t want  to relax or have to look or talk with my parents! Then I would have lost it and started to cry all over again and my plan would be ruined.

My plan was ruined by my own heart.  As we all gathered around the Thanksgiving table, I couldn’t do it!  I looked into the eyes of my step-son that had such adoration, I saw my parents standing there and thought I can’t cause all this hurt for them and his family!  Well, I wasn’t sure what his family would think, but I didn’t want to be the one that walked out on my marriage.

I took those vows, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH.  I told myself, this was his sickness & we would get  through this also.

WOULD WE GET THROUGH THIS?

Look for my next entry and we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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A day to remember…

If you remember, the last we spoke, ROB and I had just gotten engaged.  It was November 2002 and we set the wedding date for July 26, 2003, lots to do with little time.  Since ROB had been married once before, he wanted me to have the wedding on my dreams and pretty much let me make the plans.  I started, photographer…check; cake…check; dress…check; menu…check and so one.  Then it came time to the reception spot.  Right across from the church we were going to be married at was a Holiday Inn.  How perfect, easy to commute to, people can stay and from what I had heard, they did a really nice job with weddings.  So one night, ROB and I went over.  We walked the hotel, had dinner, sat in the bar and even sat out on one of the balconies and just watched the people strolling by and talking.  His comment was, “I THINK THIS IS IT! IT LOOKS & FEELS LIKE US AND THERE’S A COUPLE BARS CLOSE BY!”  Right there should have been a huge clue!  Did I take the warning? NOPE, I just thought it was a comment in passing.  So we booked it! My parents were paying for the wedding so that SURELY didn’t bother ROB one bit…as a matter of fact, he never even asked how much it was going to cost.

The big day came.  It was 95 in Minnesota, the church didn’t have air and I had on a long sleeve dress with a full train.   I thought I was going to die!  But it was great.  I remember my dad being a little jittery, but hey, I’m his baby girl and from what I have heard, that’s just how dad’s act when this big day comes.  We went on to the reception and all was fine.  We danced, Rob drank, we toasted, Rob drank, we had the dollar dance, ROB drank.  I think you see the theme here.  The end of the night finally came and we went up to our suite.  The bridesmaids had sent up food & champagne so that we could relax.  I just remember wanting to take a shower and get out of that dress.  All ROB could think about was opening those damn cards to see how much money was in them.  Fine, let’s do this so I can get in the shower.

Four months into our marriage, Thanksgiving was coming.  I told both families that I wanted to host since this was our first holiday together.  I loved to entertain and put my skills to work.  Two days before the big day, I had all the fixings ready to go.  Since I had started a job where I was an independent contractor, I was able to work from home and make sure that everything was perfect.  I set the table, cleaned the home and made sure everything was perfect.  Not once did ROB acknowledge all the prework I had already done.  The night before Thanksgiving, ROB called me and said that he was going to stop at the bar on his way home.  It wasn’t going to be late as he was only going to have one and then be on his way home.  I was shocked when he asked if there was anything he needed from the grocery store on his way home.  I told him as a matter of fact there was about 4 things but I needed to know for sure that he would get them.  He promised me, told me he loved and I would see him soon.

It was 11 o’clock when I finally went to bed and ROB had still not come home.  Since I had to be up at 5 am to get the turkey going, I thought it in my best interest to get some sleep.  At 1:15am my phone rang.  Groggy as I was, I answered the phone and almost go sick to my stomach thinking something had happened to ROB! Oh yeah, something had happened all right, he had gotten completely wasted and the bouncers had told him that if they saw him leave the bar & drive, they would call the police.  ROB’s sister thought it in ROB’s best interest to call me to come and get him.  I told her to put him in a cab, I would wait for him to come home and pay the cab driver when they arrived.  She said that he was very agitated and I better come now to get him.  I had a 20 minute drive to get there.  I crawled out of bed, still in my jammies, I put on my coat, got into my Mercedes he had gotten me and off I went.  It was a cold snowy night, but I dredged forward.  When I got to the bar, I pulled up front called ROB’s phone and told him I was out front and he had 2 minutes to get in the car.  To my surprise, ROB hung up on me….OH REALLY, I thought!!!!!  With smoke coming out of my ears, I stormed into that bar; walked right up to ROB and told him to get his ass in the car immediately.  His jaw fell on the floor and he told me to get the fuck out of the bar.

I went out to the car and ROB followed behind me.  Once we got onto the freeway, ROB started in…who the hell did I think I was to embarrass him like that in HIS bar?  I was the biggest bitch he had ever met and what a cunt I had turned out to be. He had had it.  We were going to do this Thanksgiving thing and the very next day, he was going to contact and attorney and divorce my ass.

I drove in shock the rest of the way home with tears streaming down my face.  How could this have happened to me?  All I had ever done was love this man and put up with some of his other faults…how could he say this to me?  I remember sitting up the rest of that night; crying and trying to figure out what to do.  Oh I figured it out.  I was going to go forward with this Thanksgiving dinner, but I was the one that was going to make the toast and what a toast it would be.

See how that toast goes in the next entry of Moving onto Happiness…A Minnesota Girls Divorce Story!