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Thank you God…someone who sees what I see…
February 12, 2012 in Uncategorized | Tags: %, 5, 7, 99.9, accept, advise, alcoholic, alone, analysis, anxious, ask, asleep, ass, astounded, bar, base, best, brain, building, calmly, can, chair, changed, chuckle, comfortable, communication, confident, corner, correct, correcting, counseling, couple, cozy, crazy, dash, days, daze, deflection, determined, dinner, disappeared, disgust, dream, drink, else, emphatic, entry, everything, eyes, face, fallen, familes, feeling, feelings, fidget, finances, foggy, forbid, forget, forward, friends, friendship, frustration, frustrations, fun, furture, gasket, gathered, God, goodbye, goodness, grough, gut, hallway, hands, happy, heard, hearing, heart, hell, HELP, himself, holy, home, horror, hurt, i love you, indication, initiate, input, intrigued, invest, inviting, issues, jobs, jotting, kicker, kidding, kiss, knew, learn, leave, lies, life, lifetime, look, lose, magazine, man, marriage, married, me, meaningless, mind, mirror, mouth, muster, neither, nervous, no, noise, notebook, notes, one, open, out, outside, over, parent, past, patiently, phone calls, plans, playing, please, polite, privacy, prove, question, read, red, relationship, reply, revealed, rogue, roll, roller, roommate, running, rut, salvation, saying, scribbling, sees, session, shit, shock, silence, sinking, sister, situation, smile, softly, SOMEONE, spilled, sprung, squirming, stating, table, talk, talking, tears, tests, thank you, things, trembled, true, truth, understood, up, us, voice, waiting, waiting room, wake, walked, wall, week, well, whoop, willing, work, writing, wrong, yourself | Leave a comment
When we last left our story, the counseling session had gone well and ROB was anxious to go back. Was I anxious to go back? Let’s just say I think that I was anxious about it all, our life, our marriage, our relationship, our friendships, our families and mostly my heart and feelings. Could I continue with this? Would things really change this time or was this just another rogue and I would get hurt once again? It was soon to be my time to say, THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE.
I decided to invest it all…put my full effort into it and move forward. I wanted my marriage, the man I married and most importantly…our happy life. Did ROB want the same? I guess I would learn over the next couple weeks. Our counselor told us that we had to start talking more with each other. Communication in a relationship was everything; without out it, the marriage was more or less a roommate situation. Each day, I tried to come up with things to talk about. Our plans, what was happening with our jobs, finances, families and most importantly what was happening with US. Each day ROB would get up and go to work, he would give me a kiss goodbye with a I LOVE YOU. We would talk a couple of times a day, usually about nothing and then when ROB would get home dinner would be on the table. Things went well for about the first 5 days, then as usual, back to the same old rut. Back to the ever so meaningless conversations, the phone calls of being on the way home and then not showing up and then the lies once again. How can no one SEE WHAT I SEE?
For the next 7 days all I could think about was that next counseling session. How was this to work when we were only going a couple of times and we couldn’t keep it together or learn from the past and move forward to correcting the issues and finding the happiness we once had? How was I going to get across that I needed the man I married, the one who cared about me, our future and was willing to do anything to hold onto it? How was I going to get ROB to look in the mirror and wake up?
The day finally came; time to head back to the counselor. What would our conversation consist of? Would ROB & I have to initiate the conversation or would she start the conversation? Why was I so darn nervous? Was my gut trying to tell me something my brain was not willing to accept? I guess I would find out soon.
I walked into the waiting room and just as I thought the sinking feeling started. ROB was not there and I wasn’t sure once again if he would even show up. I checked us in and sat in the chair that I thought would become my chair of choice while waiting to enter into our room I thought would be our salvation. As I sat looking at a magazine, in strolls ROB. All confident and sure of himself. I remember him coming over, sitting in the chair next to me, and leaning over to softly ask me if I thought these sessions were helping me? Helping me??? Weren’t we there to help each other? Weren’t we there to work on US? Why was ROB really there? Was I the one with all the issues? My mind couldn’t even muster up a response to his crazy question. I just looked forward and the wall and my hands trembled as I tried to continue to hold the magazine.
As I sat waiting for what felt like a lifetime, I realized it had been less than 5 minutes and I heard our names being called. ROB so confidently sprung out of his chair and took off down the hallway. I followed but still in a very foggy daze after what I had just heard. It kept playing through my mind; Are these sessions helping you?
I made my way into the office and took my usual chair. ROB & I always sat facing each other and the counselor off to one side in a roller chair. The office was very cozy and inviting. Thank goodness for this as I was not ready for what our session today had in store for us.
As we all got comfortable, the counselor started; so both of you, how did these past couple weeks go? A silence fell over the room as she looked back and forth at ROB and I, and we stared at each other. ROB started saying something, I think it went well. We talked and followed your advise. Again, silence. Are you kidding me? Which house was ROB in and how can he seriously sit here and say this? THANK YOU GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE…the counselor looked over to me and asked if this was correct? I remember looking at her and then back to ROB and saying, somewhat if it was only based on the first 5 days. A loud grough from across from me. I guess ROB didn’t agree and that’s when EVERYTHING changed. Oh if ROB had only known how that sound would open a can of whoop ass on himself like I’ve never seen before; and it wasn’t going to be from me.
Our counselor looked at ROB and asked what the noise was for? He replied to her with, we talked, did more things together, went out, had fun and she says something like that? The counselors reply to that was, WELL ROB, WHY WOULD SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT IF IT WASN’T TRUE? True? We were going to base this on the truth? ROB doesn’t know what truth is anymore was all that was going through my mind, but I sat quiet waiting for a reply, just as she was patiently waiting. No reply. I started to fidget in the chair. ROB started to get red in the face. Oh, this was not going to be good. Then his reply, I DON’T KNOW WHY and all eyes were on me. HOLY SHIT!!! Tears started running down my face, what the hell was this? Why were there these tears, how was I to get through this. I remember wanting to just dash out of that office when my mouth opened and it all spilled out. Yes, we talked about certain things and when I tried to bring up anything serious or of matter, ROB would turn it all off and either walk away from me or get mad and just sit in silence. Then I started talking about how in the past couple weeks, there were at least 8 nights he didn’t come home, but rather went out with friends or to a bar. I never quit understood that, how someone could just go sit at a bar by themself and drink, but my ROB sure could and by the time he left the whole bar knew him and had become his new best friends. And that’s when my input in this session ended; and not because I was done, but because this was going to be a moment in time ROB would never forget.
The office we were all in became quiet for a moment. The counselor was jotting something down in her notebook. Man I wished I could get my hands on that notebook and see what she was writing and read what she was really thinking about us, our situation and how she thought she could help us. If I had only known what she was really writing in that notebook, I think I would have fallen over. She looked at ROB and started with the questions. Questions that intrigued me, but what astounded me were the responses.
It started off with family questions, why was ROB so upset with his parents, why was he taking is frustrations out on all his relationships, why didn’t he have a better relationships with his sister, did he ever take responsibility for anything bad that happened in his life, why did he always have to drink, how many drinks a week did he have, how often did he drink at home, would he and is he comfortable drinking at home alone, how many times a week did this happen, and here was the kicker…DID HE THINK HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC? I saw the frustration building in ROB as she continued question after question, his question of deflection of WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND SHE IS JUST SITTING THERE…but when that last question hit, I thought he was going to lose his mind and a gasket in that room. With a chuckle, head roll and roll of his eyes, he gave an emphatic, NO! Again, more scribbling in that notebook! What was she writing?
As she calmly sat back, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…ROB, BY WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND OUR CONVERSATIONS, I BELIEVE I WOULD BE 99.9% CORRECT IN ME ANALYSIS OF YOU BEING AN ALCOHOLIC. What, did I hear that correctly? Had I fallen asleep and this whole thing was a dream? As I sat there and the conversation continued, I knew this was no dream. ROB, in a voice of disgust and horror replied with the most determined NO WAY IN HELL. You have no idea what you are talking about. I am not sure why, but that comment I remember brining a smile to my face, to this day I am not sure why, but I also remember thinking…THANK GOD…SOMEONE WHO SEES WHAT I SEE. The counselor continued stating; I am sure that if you were to take the tests, the results would come back with her assessment being correct. ROB continued to look her in the eye while squirming in the chair saying she had no idea what she was talking about. Her reply, if he was so certain, take the test and prove her wrong. That’s when my last remaining hope disappeared. With that ROB said an other stern NO and got up and walked out. I sat there looking at the counselor. Neither one of us saying a thing and I wasn’t sure if our session was over, should I also leave or would ROB come back? Who was I kidding, we both knew he wasn’t coming back and that’s when she said, I don’t know if I will see you or both of you again, but if I don’t, I wish you well and please look out for yourself. What has been revealed in just these couple of sessions to me, is a clear indication that this won’t end well for you. I stood up in shock, gathered my things, said a polite thank you and made my way out of her office. I remember standing in the hallway to gather myself as I was very nervous as to what I was going to have to face once I turned that corner and ran into ROB, whether it be in the waiting room, the entry, outside this office or God forbid in the privacy of our home.
Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!
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A toast to remember…
January 25, 2012 in Uncategorized | Tags: 10, 100th, account, addoration, adoration, adored, amazement, bank, bar, beloved, better, bitch, bouquet, boys, bracelet, camera, cared, casino, casual, celebrating, change, cina, closer, conclusion, conversation, couch, crying, dad, Davidson, door, drinking, driveway, enjoy, entry, evening, fat boy, fight, flowers, gamble, garage, gas, ghostly, guest room, Harley, Harley Davidson, health, heart, house, hug, husband, jackass, job, juice, kill, kitchen, lake, look, manipulate, marriage, married, mingling, mom, money, mouth, mystic, mystic lake casino, name, no, overnight, pete, picture, poorer, pour, protect, relax, replayed, richer, road, ruined, short, shower, shut, sickness, single, sister, smelt.journey, sorry, sparkling, spent, standing, station, step-son, storm, sunroom, table, tears, tennis, tennis bracelet, thank, Thanksgiving, three, tilt, tilting, trip, wine, worse, years | Leave a comment
Who could think that in 4 short and I mean very short months; one girl can go from being with a man she thought adored her, to actually being with someone who would & could do everything to hurt, manipulate and use her? You maybe wondering how I come to this conclusion with just one fight and some name calling, right? Well, let’s take a really quick trip down another short road that happened. In the three months prior to our first Thanksgiving together, ROB, lost his 3 figure income, talked to me about purchasing a used Harley Davidson…which I agreed to but only in the amount of roughly $10,000.00 as he had not found another job yet, had started to gamble (and NOT on a casual basis), and started staying out later and later with THE BOYS at the bar. Oh and not to mention, that jackass pulled up in the driveway with not a used Harley Davidson, but a brand new 100th addition Fat Boy with a customer paint job. He put me on the back of that damn thing and took was going to take me on a ride to meet some of our other BIKER FRIENDS!!!!! I was so tense he turned around a mile from our home. Before the bike reached the driveway I think I was on the couch and ready to kill someone. ROB, decided to come in and ask me, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? My problem, oh know you want to know MY PROBLEM? Let’s see, we agreed on something and ROB couldn’t even make that work. Oh, I will tell you what MY PROBLEM is…I let him have it! Again I almost for batem restated the conversation we had about that $10,000.00 bike in the garage! He admitted it was more like $25,000.00 he spent and that he had been SINGLE for almost 10 years and I couldn’t expect him to change overnight! Oh REALLY!!! I had NEVER been married and I had NEVER had to talk to ANYONE about my money or how I spent it…but I was trying! So, I simply explained it to him that when I purchased a $25,000.00 TENNIS BRACELET that only I would get the use out of, he best keep his damn mouth shut and accept it! His reply…YOU WOULD NEVER…no I didn’t think I would, but things changed and so had I!
Along with this new Harley…I had watched ROB gamble over $2,000.00 away one evening…not even really an evening, but a couple hours. You are probably wondering why this is so upsetting, right? Well, it was because he had already been out drinking for a rough 5 hours and I was sitting at home watching the money come out of the bank account when he had called and said he was on his way home! Oh yeah, I in my pajama’s stormed into Mystic Lake Casino and let him have it!
So, know that you have a little more into my WONDERFUL life, let’s get back to that wonderful first Thanksgiving dinner.
As you remember, I had been up all night trying to figure out what to do and make a dinner for 10 people. Yep, his parents, sister, my parents & my step-son. The table looked perfect with MY best china, the house smelt great and all was in place. When ROB finally decided to wake up and journey up to the kitchen from the guest room in our lower level where he slept that night, the first thing he saw was me in the kitchen crying. Do you know what his first words were? Yep, HONEY WHAT’S WRONG? Are you kidding me…with swollen red eyes, I spun on him and asked YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG? I WILL TELL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT’S WRONG! I married someone I thought had a heart and cared about me, but what I got was someone who only cared about himself and fuck the rest of the world or those in it. He just stood there. To his amazement, I asked him directly; DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TO ME LAST NIGHT? His reply, not really. I started to laugh, if I only had had a camera to take a picture of him tilting his head and trying to figure out what was going on. I replayed the night instance for instance and word for word and then I added…SO LET’S DO THIS! He just stood there. I told him; he best get a move on, he still had to go pick up our son from his moms and people would be coming soon. At this point, he looked at me with a ghostly look on his face and said, I don’t really thing we should have Thanksgiving and I don’t think Pete (name changed to protect him) should come over either. I didn’t even face him with my reply of, OH HELL NO! WE ARE DOING THIS AND PETE WILL BE HERE ALSO. GET MOVING.
As ROB went off to shower, I took a deep breath and made my way from the kitchen to our sun room to sit and look out and get my plan together. Oh I wanted everyone there for this one. I thought how perfect this was going to be and I was going to leave him holding the spoon of guilt and having to answer LOTS of questions; especially from my mom & dad whom would not have a clue as to what just happened.
My plan…in my mind, this is how it was going to go. Since this was our first joint family gathering and everyone was expecting things to be special, I wanted to make the moment special. With that said, I saw things going down something like this:
Everyone would take their places at the table, I would bring over the turkey (that by the way was GREAT and everyone did love it), and once everyone was seated, I was going to pour the wine for those that did drink and sparkling juice for those that didn’t. At this wonderful moment, I was going to stand next to my newly BELOVED husband and say:
FIRST OFF, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR COMING TO OUR HAPPY HOME AND CELEBRATING THIS; OUR FIRST HOLIDAY TOGETHER. PLEASE EAT THIS TURKEY I HAVE SPENT ALL NIGHT PREPARING FOR YOU AND ENJOY! HOWEVER, SINCE MY ADORABLE HUSBAND PLANS TO FILE FOR DIVORCE TOMORROW I WILL NOT BE JOINING YOU.
And with that I was going to storm out the door and leave. Where I was going to go or what I was going to do…that I wasn’t sure of. But I am sure I would come up with something.
When ROB came home from picking up Pete, he had a gas station bouquet of flowers, a huge hug and tears with tons of SORRY’s. Only problem was, I had received so many of these bouquets, hugs and sorry’s, it didn’t really matter to me. But you know what somewhere, it did.
As the families started to come, I had a hard time looking at anyone or even mingling with anyone. My mom asked what was wrong & if she could help with anything so that I could relax a little. NO! I didn’t want to relax or have to look or talk with my parents! Then I would have lost it and started to cry all over again and my plan would be ruined.
My plan was ruined by my own heart. As we all gathered around the Thanksgiving table, I couldn’t do it! I looked into the eyes of my step-son that had such adoration, I saw my parents standing there and thought I can’t cause all this hurt for them and his family! Well, I wasn’t sure what his family would think, but I didn’t want to be the one that walked out on my marriage.
I took those vows, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, FOR RICHER OR POORER, IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH. I told myself, this was his sickness & we would get through this also.
WOULD WE GET THROUGH THIS?
Look for my next entry and we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!
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