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Well as you remember in the last post, ROB once again worked his magic of hurt on me.  But not only did he hurt me, he cut my heart into pieces and left it laying for all to dance on at the beach when he let some women fondle him at the campfire in front of our friends.  ROB and I did not speak to one another from that night on for about a week.  WHO DO I TRUST?? Most of my time day & night was spent with visions of that incident running through my head.  The image was so haunting that I didn’t want to close my eyes and the one thing I did learn about myself from that time, was I CAN NOT function without sleep.  I not only became disconnected from life, but I became disconnected with me.

In my career as a Real Estate agent, I had the ability to pick & choose not only whom I worked with, but when I actually worked.  Well, when you let on thing consume your every thought, minute and day…eventually it will consume your being.  I was not sure where to go, what to do, whom to talk to and more than not, WHOM TO TRUST with this most embarrassing & degrading thing.  I was also worried about that if I told someone about this beach instance, would they ask more, would I need to tell them more or would they just know that more happened and how pathetic would I look for not only staying in such a horrible situation, but let someone like this continue to treat me like this and not stand up for myself and make my life better by leaving?  WHO DO I TRUST?

It was time to get serious.  SERIOUS, what was that?  Nothing in my past 5 years had been serious; or at least that is how it felt to me now.  Part of me knew what I needed to do, part of me didn’t want to know what I needed to do and the majority of me didn’t know WHO DO I TRUST?

 At the time all of this most dreadful stuff was happening, I worked with someone who I trusted more than ever.  He would not only just let me vent; tell my story or be in my corner cheering me on no matter what, I knew that I could tell this person just about anything and they would never mention of it again.  That was what I needed most now.  Someone I could just let it all out to and see if they knew what I should do.  More than not, I needed a connection.  A connection that could give me some advice.  As I began to talk with this most precious friend, I could see the pain, disgust, amazement and most of all concern for me in their eyes.

As I walked out of that room from letting all of this out as to not only what had just happened, but more importantly what had happened over the past 5 years, I felt like someone lifted a 5000 lbs. brick off my chest.  Now I just needed to come up with the confidence I needed to talk with someone who could give me advice I could trust.  A LAWYER

Here we go…this is when the learning part of this blog really begins.  As this blog continues, you will learn about what happened to me in my experience in dealing with LAWYERS and things I wished someone would have told me to be more prepared, more able to protect myself and things I hope no one will ever have happen to them.

Check back soon to see where we go from here and WHO DO I TRUST?

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an out of control gambler, please contact GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/index.php to find out more information.

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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In my last post; you will recall the counselor told ROB that she was 99.9% sure that if an assessment were to be done, that it would come back and show that he was an alcoholic.  99.9% sure…WOW!!! That’s pretty definite and for someone to say something like that must be a sign that finally someone saw what I was seeing, but the bigger question was, what was ROB gonna do about it if anything.  WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME?

The drive home that day seemed like a drive that was never gonna end and all I kept hearing was 99.9% sure, 99.9% sure, 99.9% sure.  Over and over and over.  My drive time home was only about 15 minutes, but it seemed like a lifetime that day.  Then I started thinking, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME, would ROB take out his anger on me, would ROB go drinking, even come home or what?  Should I call him and see? What would I say, how would I start a conversation with him?  Should I call my parents and talk with them or better yet, call ROB’s mom and see what she thought.  NO, came back very loud in my mind, I can’t call ROB’s mom.  She didn’t even want to help me before I had a medical opinion, what makes me think she would want to help me now.  If there was one thing I had learned since being married to ROB and dealing with his family, they never dealt with issues but turned the other cheek and just hoped the issue or problem would go away.  Well, that’s not how my family was.  In my family, we talk about everything and lean on each other when times get tough.  Boy was I in a bigger predicament than I could have ever imagined.

I remember pulling into the garage and just sitting in my car for about anther 30 minutes.  Once I made it into the house, I went and sat on our deck that overlooked a golf course.  Oh yes, our home was nice.  ROB always tried to impress people with things he couldn’t afford and his biggest lies were the ones he told himself.  Lies about our financial situation, lies about how perfect our marriage was, lies about me, lies about his personal life and the demons that haunted him.  If there was one thing I knew, was that I could not change a person or help them unless they wanted help.  Most importantly, I needed to help myself now.  What did I need?  That was something I needed to figure out.  I had started to lose so much of myself in this marriage and started to become someone I didn’t even recognize.  Oh sure, I could put on a happy face in front of our family & friends, but once I crossed over that doorway into our home, I became a depressed person.  I remember not even wanting to get out of bed most days.  Now, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME?

ROB came home that night and started in on me.  He claimed he didn’t know how, but that I had gotten to the counselor and made her say those things and that he was not an alcoholic, he was not now or EVER going back to another counseling session and that he would fix what ever needed to be fixed on his own.  ON HIS OWN…that was the last thing that was said about it that night as I remember getting up from the couch, going to our bedroom, closing the door and crying myself to sleep.

One thing ROB never knew, I had a two pictures of us in my night stand and almost every night I would pray to GOD for him to give me the strength to get through this and to give me double the strength to make it through another day to finding the person that I first had fallen in love with.  Would that person ever be able to come back to me?  Did that person even exist anymore.

The next morning, ROB got up, got ready to go to work and came to my bedside, gave me kiss and off he went.  Little did he know what I had planned for my day.  With what little energy I had, I got out of bed and went to my office.  I decided I need to make a call to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, I wasn’t sure where they were, how I would explain my situation, use our real names or how all this worked.  So I decided to GOOGLE it. WWW.GOOGLE.COM then to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, there it was….WWW.AA.ORG.  I think I just sat staring at that computer screen for the next 30 minutes.  Then I did it, I made the call.

How could I have possibly known WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME, next.

If you are dealing with someone who you think maybe or is an alcoholic, please contact ALCOHOLIC ANONYMOUS and get help.  You can access their website at www.aa.org to find out more information.

 

Look for my next entry as we come closer and closer to the conclusion to this marriage!

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